When I first ran into Gilgamesh almost twenty years ago, I thought: “I know all about this asshole.” Here was one more of my dad’s Old Testament model men. When I failed to meet my father’s gaze with the appropriate respect and attention, my dad reminded me that even Abraham, father of the chosen people, was compelled to take a knife to his son’s throat for less. I could imagine Gilgamesh sitting down with Abraham, comparing ways to bring their boys in line the old fashioned way.
In the mornings on my way to school, my father sang along to Rush Limbaugh’s reworked Beatles jingle “All Your Lovin,” performed in Bill Clinton’s drawl: “All your money, I will tax from you; all your money, I need revenue.” Over dinner, dad toured the threats to our faith, culture, rights, safety, economy and–most dire of all–the threat to us men from what Rush called “The Feminazis.” I sat silent in a creaky, dark wooden dining chair that had once belonged to my grandfather. My legs dangled above the floor as I pushed spinach around my plate.
I’ll never know what would have happened if, a few years later, my father had not harassed a woman at his office, lost his job and sunk into a depression that eventually sent my family wandering between temporary homes, menial jobs and a trail of creditors that turned every phone call into a threat.
But I do know that my father’s collapse turned something inside me against my own kind, against men. Throughout my teens, twenties and most of my thirties, men disgusted me. When my varsity basketball coach screamed at me to scramble for a loose ball, I let the other guy have that ball. When my teammates joked about a hot girl in the locker room, I turned away and swallowed down the taste of vomit in my mouth.”
I opted out.
Men, from what I could tell, were thinly disguised apes who waged an endless war for dominance. We waged war at home, in the office, on sports fields, in politics and across borders. Some of us disguised it better than others, but we all waged war.
“Well, if my nature is to wage war,” I reasoned, “then I will wage war against men like Gilgamesh. And I will show my father that he was wrong about how men are. Totally wrong.”
new gods 